We'll still be friends forever! (Part 1)

Dear Cookie Monster,

Its been a really amazing four years and I can't believe they have passed by us already! Or should I say, Gone oredi!!!! :) I can't think of a better person to spend my time with in lecture theatres, cribbing about modules and lecturers, and standing proud as MCB students (while teasing the BMS ones!). When I was in school, I had a friend who inspired me in 12th std to do better than what I had done in my previous years, enough to make me a school topper. In NUS, I had you to inspire me throughout.

I can't believe that we have already said our good byes. And I can't believe that when we did, we couldn't even figure out when we might meet again. You'll see the rest of the gang in January, but I have no idea when we'll get to meet!

I just need to tell you, that I am going to miss you very much. You are one of my best friends here. I am going to miss going to lectures with you. I am going to miss bringing coffee to structural bio lectures for us. I am going to miss BMS bashing session (Sorry BMS girls!). I am going to miss the chennai vs. bangalore debates. I am really really going to miss your brand of sarcasm. I will definitely miss your bubble bursting capabilities. I'll miss being a part of the cfa exco with you. Thanks to you, I got enough points in third year to stay back on campus! Going on vacation was awesome fun with you! I wish we could have had more. I am going to miss teasing you with every guy who flirts with you! I'm going to miss your unique sense of humour (meant only for the brainy ones :P :P :P). I will miss Grey's Anatomy! Everytime I watch that show, you are the one who will enter my mind. I am going to miss working in a group with you for projects and presentations. Out of all my presentations in NUS, the ones I did with you were the most fun! :) I am going to miss your dessert obsession! I'm going to miss lunches with you at science canteen where all of us urge you to eat first then talk later! I sure as heck am going to miss sitting there with you, clueless and soleil and having 3 hour lunch breaks that extend into snack time!

All in all, I am going miss being with you!

But its alright, I know that life must go on. We all have different dreams and we do what we must to pursue them. After all life is a journey.

And its friends like you whom I meet along the way who make the journey so much easier and happier!

I love you very much and hope that you'll find everything in life that you are looking for :) If you ever need anything, just remember that there is one friend here who will always be there for you, and will never be too busy for you.

How could I be too busy for my fudgy wudgy chewy gooey loving cookie monster friend?!!! :D :D :D

Love,
MG
(self proclaimed vice president of the bubble bursting club!)

My Unsolved Physics Problem

Being a 12th standard student is not easy. There is pressure from all sides. I am lucky because I don't have much pressure from my parents. In fact, just before 12th started, I had gone for a vacation with dad to Germany. There he told me not to worry and that if I performed the same way I have been performing all these years, I would have no problem getting admission in a good college. It was nice to see somebody have faith in me and gave me the strength to go to school. At school however, I am facing a lot of pressure from teachers. Somehow I managed to do well in my 11th exams and now they have a crazy notion in their head that I could be a potential state rank holder!

But its easy for me to ignore them and just listen to what my parents tell me. Getting full marks isn't the goal, the goal is to learn. As long as I score between 90-95% I will be fine and that is not something out of my reach. I have no problems with French as my second language, I have an amazing teacher and I also seem to have fallen in love with learning new languages. English is also ok because one of the teachers in the English department, my old 11th standard teacher, has taken a special interest in me and is coaching me on how to write the perfect state board english paper. Maths is also fine because I have learnt that in the case of maths, practise makes perfect. Biology is dead simple, it has a lot of basic stuff, I just need to have a good memory to memorize everything and I think that is not out of the realm of possibility. Chemistry should be a cakewalk, considering both my parents are chemists. Dad recently bought a white board and hung it in my room. Every weekend, he spends a few hours teaching me organic chemistry and quite frankly, I think its a lot of fun and quite simple once you understand it.

That leaves me with Physics. And I am scared that physics will end up ruining my overall grades. 12th std physics is tougher than I expected. And I don't seem to be the only one nervous about it. All my friends are worried too. We spend long hours fretting over the subject, it is a regular feature in our conversations during lunch break and a lot of physics-bashing has been going on. We are all scared. And I seem to be affected the worst, because I have reached levels of panic. Atleast my friends are going for tuitions and all. I don't even have that. I am relying solely on my school teacher. She is a good teacher but the problem is that I have always been weak in physics for some strange reason. It seems to take longer for me to understand concepts. What I need is not tuition, but just a special one hour session at the end of each day to be taught the basic concepts that will help me pull through.

Today, a girl came bursting into our class during the maths period, with an announcement from the principal's office. Looks like our worries have been noticed by the higher authorities! The school is taking steps to ensure that students who aren't able to keep up get special coaching at the end of the day for an hour at school in the subject they are weakest in. I signed up for physics without even giving it a second thought. What's there to think? I need help. I am pretty relieved but I wonder who will be coaching us extra time... our own school teacher or a guest lecturer? I was to find out that very evening because classes were starting with immediate effect.

I went to the classroom assigned for the hopeless in physics. I took my seat, not in the front row because I didn't want my stupidity in the subject to be noticed, not in the back row, because I wanted to listen to the teacher properly and not doze off. We all waited for our mystery teacher.

When she walked in, I almost screamed. She wasn't a stranger. She was our very own school teacher from the physics department. And she has taught me physics for two and half years! I was surprised to see her now coming as our saviour in 12th std physics! And for good reason...

I thought she had died one year back.... because of cancer...

Yet there she was, standing in front of me, just like how I remember from the first day I met her. Her hair was long, tied in a bun. But the last time I saw her, she had something like a boy cut, due to hairloss from chemotherapy. I couldn't understand what was going on. I had attended her funeral! I had walked up to her body and kept flowers by her feet. I had watched as all my school teachers tearfully paid their last respects to the greatest physics teacher my school had ever seen. I had watched as they carried her body into a van that would take her to the burial ground. Yet there she was, standing in front of me, like nothing had happened.

And she was just like how she was before she went on that long medical leave. She remembers my name. I used to be one of her favourite students. Apparently I still am. I was dazed. I was shocked. But I didn't have the courage to say anything. Not right then in front of everybody else.

So I did what I do best. I waited till class was over, then I approached her after everybody had left. She looked up at me (she's pretty short and I am quite tall, you see) and asked me if I had any doubts. I did. A very bizarre doubt. I told her, I thought you died of cancer one year ago. I was at your funeral! She looked amused and very surprised! She said she was perfectly alright and as I could see for myself, very much alive. It must have been some kind of dream, she told me.

More like a nightmare!

We talked for a while. And I asked her everything that had been nagging me. Turns out, it was all just a bad dream that I had. She doesn't actually live in that house near that sweet shop where I had gone to for her funeral. She disappeared in the middle of my 10th std not on medical leave, but more like a sabbatical. She went travelling abroad to see the world. She got 2 years off because considering the number of years she had taught in my school, the management thought it was reasonable to give her a sabbatical. And now she is back and she is going to continue teaching in my school. I was so happy to see her again! After 2 years! And I was so happy to be her student again! I told her that she is my favourite physics teacher and its good to have her back. She gave me her trademark smile... the calm and serene smile she always gave me. I knew then, that she likes me as her student just as much as I love her as my teacher.

Then from a distance, I heard my mother call my name. I thought it was strange to hear her call out for me like that when I was in school. Then I realised that I forgot to inform my parents about the special coaching class. And after the class instead of going home, I sat talking to my physics teacher. I wasn't surprised that mom was worried about my whereabouts and had come searching for me. Neither was my physics teacher! She urged me to go and that she would see me the following day during the coaching class, and every day from then on. I skipped happily out of class, towards my mother's voice.

It was really odd that when I met my mom finally at the school entrance, she was telling me its really late. I told her that I was sorry I was late but I had coaching class and I didn't tell her about it. She acted like she hadn't heard me. She wanted me to drive her in the car to the shop to buy vegetables. I was confused! I was only 16 and I didn't know how to drive a car! Then she kept urging me to get up.

Thats when I realised.

I am not 16. I am not in school. I am an adult now. I have finished my undergrad and am on my way to graduate studies.

My nightmare wasn't my physics teacher's illness and her death... that was reality.

My nightmare was waking up to reality after having spent hours talking to her and believing that she never fell sick, that she never left us, that her death was my nightmare.

I lost her once 6 years ago. I lost her again this morning. Its surprising how somethings never change, even after 6 years. Because it was just as difficult today morning to wake up to the bad news as it was 6 years ago...

In memory of his music...

I usually don't get up before 10am during vacation. But surprisingly, for the past one week, I have been waking up at 6am each day! Today was no different. And as soon as I woke up, I did what I usually do, check email to see if my new grad school has written to me. As I opened my browser, I saw the shocking news splashed all over my home page!

"King of Pop" Michael Jackson dies at 50.

I know that Michael Jackson has been better known for his controversies off late. But to be honest, I never really read the tabloids or even cared about the news seeping in about him through the years. I have loved Michael Jackson for the music that he has given to the world and I look at him as an exceptionally talented musician. Michael Jackson holds a special place in my life as far as music is concerned.

When I was a little kid, dad had gone to Germany for a few months on a sabbatical. And when he came back, he brought along with him a bunch of music CDs that caught his fancy. One of them, or rather two of them (it came as a 2-CD pack) were the greatest hits of Michael Jackson, a compilation album called "History". Those CDs were how I was introduced to the world of western music. Till then my music-life revolved solely around bollywood. Since then, my english playlist has expanded beyond recognition!

But I'll always remember that compilation album. I can forget the classic "Heal the world" that was featured ever so often in our annual days as a save-the-world message performance! Of course there is the all time favourite "Thriller". As a kid, I used to be scared to listen to that song when I was alone at home because of the scary narration... "darkness falls across the land... the midnight hour is close at hand... creatures crawl in the search of blood... to terrorize your neighbourhood!" But all through, I have always loved his songs. Ever heard him sing as a young kid as a part of the Jackson 5? You should listen to him singing "Blame it on the boogie". I just have to mention his song "cry" because my dearest friend has a soft spot for that song :)

I could keep listing all the songs of his that I love, but that list would be far too long. So let me conclude this post instead with the song that I love the most that he had sung. Its one of my most favourite songs and it has always been like that. I had even mentioned in back in my first year here in my blog!

Michael Jackson truly earned his place as the King of Pop out of sheer talent, the Elvis Presley of our age. He had begun his life as a performer when he was just five years old. He bridged the gap between the black and the white communities with his talent in music. He was the first black star of MTV and steadily climbed the ladder of fame and success. It is true that his life might have spun a bit out of control towards his final years. But its truly worth remembering him for his gift as a singer, dancer and performer.

Michael Jackson, no matter what the world says, to me you'll always be the artist who introduced me to a whole new world of music and in that process, you gave me a song that I have fallen hopelessly in love with, and from which I have always derived great comfort. It doesn't really matter if you are black or white!

Wherever you are, may you rest in peace... and may your music live on forever



Video Courtesy - Youtube

Spice it up?

I noticed an ad from blogger which encourages its bloggers to "spice up" their blogs with cool gadgets. It certainly caught my attention and I found myself wondering how I could spice mine up. Then being the over-thinker that I am, I paused to ponder a bit :P

Why exactly would I want to spice up my blog with new gadgets? Isn't my blog simply a place where I come to write out my thoughts on the world around me? That's the main reason why I created this spot for myself in the first place. So why would i need cool, new gadgets to light things up? To make it more appealing to visitors? Hey, I know I am not a great writer!! And I don't need loads of visitors with a zillion comments! I blog for me! I don't need to deck this place up to attract people here!

Then why do I have the desire to check out the gadgets in the first place?

You should have seen my room in our previous house. We shifted out of there 7 years ago. I had a huge room. And each of the four walls had something on it... something I made. There was one whole wall dedicated to disney cartoon characters... I called it "The Walt Disney Wall". And what I had done was I had drawn and coloured several disney characters in various attires and poses, like skating, swimming, playing hopscotch, chasing butterflies etc etc. And I had made an intricate connection between all of them, making the wall like one big story. I had cut out roads, bushes, ponds, pebbles, sand boxes, sand castles etc etc out of paper and coloured them. Then I stuck them between my disney characters to give them some continuity. I loved the whole concept. The opposite wall had a huge periodic table of elements. And all around it, I had drawn and coloured various characters from spiderman! I had drawn spidey in a climbing pose and stuck him on the wall so that it looked like he was climbing up the wall to reach the poster of a football player that I had stuck close to the ceiling. In another pose, I had drawn, coloured and cut out spidey and stuck him on the wall so that it looked like he was swinging on his web that was dangling from Kajol's earring! (yes, I have a poster of Kajol, there's nothing to smirk at!). Then of course, there was Venom who looked like he was perched comfortably right on top of my periodic table. Daredevil was also featured and it looked like he was trying to reach out and cpature The Vulture! Marvel Comics galore on one wall of my room! Another storyline to look at! Other than those, there were two mercedes benz posters, a dennis the menace poster and loads of signs on my room door warning people to keep out! I put in a lot of effort to decorate my room with such love and care.

But why?

Most certainly not to make it more appealing to visitors! :P That's the last thing a teenager wants! People in the room... The signs on my door spoke out loud and clear that access was restricted.I did what I did not only because I love to draw and paint, but also because decorating my room like that transformed the room into my "home within home", my own personal temple, you could say. It was a place that was specifically mine, that was personalized, which defined me and most importantly, where I loved spending time.

But that was back in school. Life has changed since then and now I no longer have one constant room that I can call my own. My ambition to pursue science at any cost has taken me away from home, given me many different rooms in the hostel and now again, it is taking me to a new place to start over fresh again.

My life is now defined by changes. And in this ever changing life, I guess my blog has become my new "room".

No wonder I am drawn to decorate it and personalize it. It makes me feel at home, even when I am away from home :)

Who are you?

We often struggle to try to understand the people around us... for different reasons. Sometimes we try to understand some people in a purely professional way where we try to judge whether or not this person is worth hiring. Most often we try to understand our loved ones in a personal way. But how do we go about understanding or knowing a person?

Its a world spinning out of control. All of us are driven by our ambitions and dreams. We know that life is short and its a race to attempt to leave a mark that will last long after we are gone. To pause or to even hesitate for a second will put us at the very back of the class. We need to always be on our toes. Multi-tasking is the norm now. In such a crazy dog-eat-dog world, where do we find time to try to "know" a person?

Human beings are good at finding answers to impossible questions. At least on the professional/academic front. So how do you know who I am and what I am capable of? How will you get to know me in the shortest possible span of time? Through my application? Through my statement of purpose? You need a recommendation letter? Oh, one won't suffice, you need three, thats alright. You wanna interact with me over a telephonic interview to learn more about my views on science? Sure why not. I'd love to talk to you. How else will you learn something about me? You want my resume too? Sure, that will tell you that not only am I keen on research, I also love sports and music. I can sketch pretty well too. You want to double confirm my birth place? Well... ok.. but I am not sure how that will help you assess me.

At the end of the day, with all these documents, you write to me to tell me that I won't fit in to your environment so I can't come and join you. That's fine. I am not bitter. Really, I swear. I am not. I don't blame anybody for anything. If there is anybody to blame, it is me, and me alone. I know that. I am not being sarcastic here. I believe the system to filter out who will fit into your group academically is quite efficient... smart... time-saving. After all, time is money. You need to get to know thousands of such hopefuls, not just me. I think its a good system... not perfect, definitely not perfect, but it works most of the time, you filter so that the best of the best join you. I can see your point of view. You need the best to stay on top in this hectic world.

Forget about professional and academic lives. Lets get personal. How do the people I love, the people who love me, get to know me better? What tells you something useful about me as a person? My blog? Maybe... I tend to bookmark significant events of my life here. I also tend to think out aloud. How else? My emails? Phone conversations? Gtalk chats? Of course, we do meet face to face quite often. Are you reading my every move in an attempt to understand me? Are you trying to interpret my body language? Does it mean anything to you that I can send long emails to you everyday then suddenly not send any at all for a week? Do you think its weird that I tend to write more blog posts during exam season or generally when I am stressed? I think its weird in a very understandable way.

At the end of the day, everybody in this world is just trying to stay connected through their hectic life-schedules. We all know the importance of trying to keep ahead of the pack, but at the same time, all of us need to have people to be close to, people who can understand us, our lives, our difficulties, and people whom we can understand and support.

We're not all psychologists. Our minds aren't actively searching for clues in emails, blogs, chats etc that can tell us something extra about the people we love.

But we can't deny that we are passively wondering all the time....

For the sake of progress

It was a microbiology lecture and we noticed in one of the lecture slides, there was a picture of a fridge. We were wondering why would there be a picture of a fridge in a microbiology class especially when we thought the latest fridges were designed to keep food fresher for longer. Then the professor reaches the slide and says

This is a fridge made in Japan which can not only cool food, but also keep food warm so that husbands who come back home late from work can have a nice hot meal before going to bed.

Half the class was awestruck by the design and the idea. Until he said...

Think about this for a minute, a fridge connected to a warm incubator, at temperatures ideal for microbial growth

The whole class (full of microbiology experts) got grossed out. Then he proceeded to say

Technological advances are aimed at making our lives easier and more comfortable. But what we don't realise is that each time we introduce something new, we are modifying the environment around us. This new fridge may give nice and warm dinners, but it can also give some unknown microbe which has been incubating with your food. Today we see the increase in the number of infectious diseases, new and re-emergent. Why do you think this is? With the introduction of the plane, we made travel faster, but we also gave a new route of transmission for the spread of diseases. Now anything can become pandemic

A chill down our spine.

It got me thinking. All new technology poses a threat to the natural order of things, not just microbiology, but other things too like environment, and our very own health. The system that nature has devised with such care is so precise. Take a look at this planet, all the living beings that roam, the plants that grow, look at how everything is interconnected, look at not just how we are connected to each other through the worldwide web, look at how we are connected to this planet, the whole system. Any new technology will always have two faces to it, a positive impact on our lives as well as a negative impact. Nuclear power gave us an alternate energy source, but it also gave us the atom bomb. And this particular exam is the most cliched and over-used to prove this point. There are so many more.

We can't stop progress. We need it. As a species, I don't think we can live without it. We need the comfort. We need the speed. I don't exactly know why. But for some reason we do. I know that I do. I cannot imagine my life without the internet, cell phones, cars and modern medicine. I don't even know if I would have dared to venture out of my country if I wasn't assured of being within reach of my family every single day via phone and internet. I would not have opted to apply to the US for Ph.D out of fear of distance from my home. And that's a fact.

As a budding scientist, I am forced to ask the question...

Where so we decide that progress has to be nurtured for the benefit of mankind or even better... for the benefit of this planet? And where does progress, for the sake of progress, need to be nipped in the bud? (a line that some of my fellow Harry Potter fans should recognize!)

If progress is a double edged sword, where do I draw the line? How do I decide what kind of science I want to pursue for my Ph.D, my post doc and then later, to dedicate my life to? What kind of impact will my life have in the world? Will my science make it a better place.... or worse?

P.S. An idea that I came across in a Michael Crichton book remains one of my most favourite... This planet and its living system were here before us, constantly evolving and adapting, and will surely survive any folly of mankind. The question is never really whether we are destroying the planet, the question is, are we destroying ourselves... It's kinda humbling to look at it this way, isn't it?

The only thing constant....

... is change.

I just spent the last 6 hours packing up my life in university. Packing is nothing to new to undergrads here. We have to move out of our rooms at the end of every semester. So its carton boxes every four months and lugging them around from storage place to room and back. But packing has never really been hard for me. Coz I have never really had to throw much. I throw all the things that I don't need but keep the stuff that matters to me.

But this time its different...

No more luggage storage in some room in the university....

I am moving out of this city.... for good...

It didnt sink in till I started packing. I have either thrown or donated half the stuff that I owned (God bless Salvation Army). All the stuff that I collected with love and care, that I hand picked for my room, all the cranes I made, the origami roses, the documents for the concert I organised last year, my lecture notes, cooking utensils, coat hangers, I could just go on and on...

Four years just flew by... I can't believe it... Jobs and graduate studies used to be just dinner time conversations for us. Today its reality. Harsh reality. We're all leaving each other. My dearest friend has to catch a flight in a few hours. I have watched my other friends come and give her goodbye hugs bigger than any I have seen in the past eight semesters, I know whats going through their minds...

"I don't know when I will see her again".

We tell ourselves that come July, we will all meet up for our convocation. But deep down, we all know its never going to be the same. I don't know how I am going to drop her off at the airport without becoming a mess.

I have never had such a draining night, physically, mentally or emotionally. Throwing all the stuff into the dustbins is like ripping out a part of me and discarding it. I know it sounds overly dramatic. But I really feel that way, seeing my room become emptier and emptier. Thats how much fun I have had these four years and thats how wonderful the memories attached to the objects I throw are.

Soon it will be time for me to lock my room and leave... for the last time. To walk out of hostel life... for the last time. To take a cab out of this university... for the last time.

I dont know where or how I am going to find the strength to move my life, yet again, to a new country, a new city, a new university and start all over again. New place, new friends. Exciting and depressing all at once.

Right now, knowing that nothing is permanent, that change is the only thing constant in life, even though I know I am not alone, even though there are people around me

I feel very lonely and scared inside...